Letting Go
by Tsukio Moon
Summary: A fic for Okikagu week 2018 day 2 - Unrequited love.


A fic for okikagu week 2018 day 2 - Unrequited love.

I can't write angst for shit but I hope you guys enjoy it.

Disclaimer: Gintama is and will forever be owned by Hideaki Sorachi together with all the characters in it, I only own this fanfic.

* * *

She is not someone to care for anyone or to fall in love easily. If she were to ever fall in love at all. However, for some reason she unknown to her, she has come to be very fond of this one sukonbu loving woman.

Maybe it's because she believed in her when no one else did years back, maybe it's because they both -not anymore- hate that sadistic police officer. Or maybe it's just because of how bright she is? Maybe it's because she - _only she-_ can see something good about the blood-seeking killer that she is.

Yeah, that must be it, the way she smiles and tells her how she's good enough as she is even if everyone believes otherwise, _knows_ otherwise. When she smiles so brightly even she feels fulfilled and it gives her a pleasant and soothing feeling. That smile reassures and gives her hope. But most of all, it tells her that the girl the smile belongs to haven't given up on her yet, just yet.

That there's still a chance, a _place_ for her in this world.

If only that brightness, that light -that _sun-_ could be hers.

But it is not.

She is known to be the emotionless and sadistic former vice-captain of the Mimawarigumi, Imai Nobume.

But falling in love with Kagura, _Okita_ Kagura was one of the most masochistic deeds she's ever done. That anyone could have ever done.

She, Imai Nobume, is in love with Okita Kagura. The wife of Okita Sougo.

Surely, an unrequited love unasked for.

But that doesn't stop her from seeking her out whenever she has some time off from being the princess's bodyguard, nor does it stop her from falling deeper and deeper into this hole of love she's unwillingly fallen into, but not regretting. The deeper she falls the more it hurts, the deeper she falls the more she wants _Okita_ Kagura for herself.

But then she sees her with that sadistic bastard, bickering as always but there is something else in her eyes now. There is love and happiness. Love directed towards the person at the other end of those eyes, Okita Sougo. Happiness for being together with the one she loves, and she, Imai Nobume, is not and will never be that person.

She has learned over the years to let go of her slowly but surely but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Watching her walk next to that man, happily with a smile on her face and her three kids next to them, still makes her feel nauseous to this day.

She likes her kids, and she sometimes ends up babysitting them. They like her and she likes them, they were Kagura's kids after all. But whenever she thinks about who their father is, she wants to hurl herself out the nearest window.

* * *

She still remembered it clearly when Kagura came to her a year ago and happily announced the news that she and the first division captain Okita Sougo was going to get married.

"Nobutatsu!" She heard hurried footsteps coming from the same direction as the voice. Recognizing the voice, Nobume turned around almost hopefully, she had learned not to keep her hopes up but with Kagura, it's an automatic reflex she can't shut off.

"Kagura-chan?"

Kagura ran towards Nobume with red puffing cheeks, she looked as if she just had run a marathon, and as she knew kagura well, that was most likely the case as sweat rapidly dripped down her face, neck and on her red clothes.

"Nobutatsu! Guess what!" She looked happy, really happy and Nobume for the second time in her life, felt scared of what was to come. The first being when she lost Isaburo. A pain she still remembered and feelt up to this day.

The hope in her slowly faded as she suddenly remembered about some rumors she's heard over the last passing days, and she had this scary thought of what these happy news she's going to announce was.

She really didn't want to be right.

"What?" She sounded as deadpan as ever nevertheless her rapidly growing worry and completely ignoring the demons eating her up from inside. She always stayed calm, even if all her hopes were to be crushed right at the very moment.

"Sadi- Sougo proposed to me!" She stated, happily. "We're getting married in a month!"

That hurt more than it should have, she even prepared herself and it still felt as if someone had stabbed her with a hundred, no, a thousand knives. But Kagura was happy so she smiled back, she smiled because as much as it may hurt her, her friend was happy. So, so was she.

"Really? I don't like him, but I am glad for you." Telling her that lie without emotion -full of emotion- and straight to her face while unwillingly but slowly letting go hurt more than walking into a grocery store after a long shift patrolling the city just to see that all donuts were sold out. You could just come back the next day and get them instead, after all. But this, this is a donut she'll never be able to get ahold of again.

If only.

* * *

She looked as Kagura walked down the aisle with her two fathers. The white dress she wore was beautiful, _she_ was beautiful. That smile was beautiful, That radiating _sun_ was beautiful.

-she reminded herself once again in a not so calming attempt that she was not the one on the receiving end of that torturous long aisle-

The priest -she thinks his name was madao- began talking about vows and whatnot, she didn't concentrate on his stumbling words tough, she was too engrossed in her task to look at the bride-to-be who was currently standing next to the groom on the altar.

When the vows were given and they kissed it hurt as most. Did someone just kick her in the stomach? She did not know, but it sure felt like it.

The kiss was brief but she could feel from where she was seated how much love that one quick but meaningful kiss held. If only she was the one standing beside her on that altar, but she was not. And never had she envied another living being for having something she doesn't have and would never be able to get as much as now.

All throughout the party she only looked at the newlywed bride, it was as her eyes were glued to look at her, only her. The groom was next to _his_ bride throughout the whole afterparty and she saw how he would make eye contact with her whenever he could.

He _knew._ He knew what she felt towards _his_ wife and that's why he smirked so mischievously each time as to tease her and that look always told her the same thing, "I won". But she held herself strong and acted indifferent to it all, even if her insides felt as if they were on their good way out. That kick sure hurt a lot, now she wants to puke.

-she looked him straight in the eye as calmly as ever and reminded herself that the person next to him is his, not hers.-

He had won and both she and he knew this fact. She also knew that that bright and shining donut Nobume thought she could make hers was now in someone else's hands.

If only she could have been hers.

But she is not and it was time to completely let go.


End file.
